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January 18th, 2012 | 12:39 pm
maybe it's the snow or the sleepovers or the banana pancake breakfasts, but i'm feelin' it big time. i'm feelin' the songs my friends are putting out there, i'm feelin' the emails from my brothers, the phone calls, the texts, the sexy feelings i have toward whoever i want. alyssa lent me her boots again while she works the season and i'll be working in them too. i have so much work to do. i don't see it stopping, not for one minute, one big white wave after another.
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January 4th, 2012 | 12:29 pm
the most beautiful thing i ever saw was from an airplane at night. we climbed through the air, up passed the cloud cover, and there everything was all dark. i looked down at the clouds and saw them alive and moving. pink and orange light spots, flashing and swirling like boiling water but calm too like the bass you feel in the middle of your chest. what a beast, i thought, and what a purr.
the second most beautiful thing i ever saw lasted just a moment, like a picture. it was a boy's head between my legs. brown hair, little brown moles down his shoulders and back, even the sheets were that rich skin color. passed his head and the bed, i could see out the window- part of the sky, part of the roof, part of the neighbor's big tree. it was in the middle of that summer when it was foggy every morning, remember that? everything looked all white all the time.
the second most beautiful thing i ever saw lasted just a moment, like a picture. it was a boy's head between my legs. brown hair, little brown moles down his shoulders and back, even the sheets were that rich skin color. passed his head and the bed, i could see out the window- part of the sky, part of the roof, part of the neighbor's big tree. it was in the middle of that summer when it was foggy every morning, remember that? everything looked all white all the time.
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December 1st, 2011 | 08:58 pm
i'm still here, i didn't leave ya. i've been real busy, sleeping on a bunch of stuff, swallowing a bunch of other stuff whole. some gets left alone, you know, doesn't have anything to do with me. i breathe at you and the car fogs up. i got options, you know. the vastness of it brings me to tears. big round ones. the air is on blast, it crawls up the windshield and reveals the landscape.
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October 1st, 2011 | 01:49 pm
the sexiest thing about a man is when he's unafraid to want what he wants. the best thing about a man is when he wants something good.
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September 13th, 2011 | 08:02 pm
"I don't hold back. If I ever knew how, I forgot."
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September 13th, 2011 | 10:35 am
i'm on a mean streak, y'all! and i can't wait to be done with it already. a couple years ago i figured out that i realize big things through talking to other people. in the middle of a sentence i'll discover that i'm saying exactly what i mean, like i had nothing to do with it. the other day i said that the two things you should get from me right away are openness and warmth, and the next thing you should get is that i'm trying to get sturdy.
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August 8th, 2011 | 10:56 am
dhani called me last night from the road, driving through one of the carolinas. he told me he wants to get married bad. said he's got a craving for it. said he spent the last few hours of the drive imaging what all our weddings will be like. in my mind i saw someone's hand grabbing his hand on a dance floor, i saw him in his dress shoes. he said next time you're at a wedding you gotta dance romantic to "i'm on fire." it sounds weird, he said, but it works.
birdy was over yesterday afternoon, talking to allison and me about the same thing kinda. someone at the farm got engaged so everybody's been talking about weddings and marriage while they work. it's got her thinking about herself and all of us too. in my mind i can see her so clearly with the sun behind her, i can see the way mike is standing there.
i'm on another one, though. i've been thinking about "you pick what's yours and you love it." or hell, maybe that's the same thing.
all i know is that after i pay all my bills today, i'm gonna have $11 in my bank account. and that work starts this afternoon and that the winter is coming eventually and that i wanna stay sunny for you. i know that when i was home dianna told me that she feeds off the love i give her, that that was worth more to me than the biggest paycheck i ever got. all i know is that i live for that look thomas gives me when it's my turn in a long line for goodnight hugs, out the door and into our cars and home again.
birdy was over yesterday afternoon, talking to allison and me about the same thing kinda. someone at the farm got engaged so everybody's been talking about weddings and marriage while they work. it's got her thinking about herself and all of us too. in my mind i can see her so clearly with the sun behind her, i can see the way mike is standing there.
i'm on another one, though. i've been thinking about "you pick what's yours and you love it." or hell, maybe that's the same thing.
all i know is that after i pay all my bills today, i'm gonna have $11 in my bank account. and that work starts this afternoon and that the winter is coming eventually and that i wanna stay sunny for you. i know that when i was home dianna told me that she feeds off the love i give her, that that was worth more to me than the biggest paycheck i ever got. all i know is that i live for that look thomas gives me when it's my turn in a long line for goodnight hugs, out the door and into our cars and home again.
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July 26th, 2011 | 08:14 pm
everything feels good, my friends are calling from all over the place, my skin gets hot in the sun. i have no money but who cares. my brother is getting married in a few days and i'm ready to celebrate. i keep thinking "this is really gonna change things" but every time i've ever thought that, it never ends up feeling that way, it just feels like the next thing. and y'all know i love the next thing.
allison is here for the week. yesterday i picked her up and we cruised around in the sun, went to the beach, ate a burrito. everyone knows i love her, but lord above, i love her. seeing my california friends has been different this time, better. i've been having fun spending time with a real nice boy, got a little spring in my step.
we took bill out to eat on his birthday over the weekend. noah is 3 years old and he calls bill "little bill." after breakfast, at the table, noah asked little bill why it was his birthday and little bill said because exactly 25 years ago his mom gave birth to him. noah asked little bill why his mom wasn't here and little bill said well, she couldn't make it. noah asked where she was and little bill gave a little shrug, looked down at this little boy, held his little hand and said he didn't know.
allison is here for the week. yesterday i picked her up and we cruised around in the sun, went to the beach, ate a burrito. everyone knows i love her, but lord above, i love her. seeing my california friends has been different this time, better. i've been having fun spending time with a real nice boy, got a little spring in my step.
we took bill out to eat on his birthday over the weekend. noah is 3 years old and he calls bill "little bill." after breakfast, at the table, noah asked little bill why it was his birthday and little bill said because exactly 25 years ago his mom gave birth to him. noah asked little bill why his mom wasn't here and little bill said well, she couldn't make it. noah asked where she was and little bill gave a little shrug, looked down at this little boy, held his little hand and said he didn't know.
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July 1st, 2011 | 12:10 pm
i went to the farm to work with birdie and drew yesterday. it's hard work and i'm sore all over. she told me once all she does is think about us when she's working, and she wasn't kidding, i know it sounds crazy, but our friends are in the earth. you put your hands in the ground and suddenly there they are, shining and laughing at you and making you stronger. i spent all day digging holes with my hands, breathing in dirt, walking up the field and back down the field, and there is no where in heaven or hell i would have rather been.
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June 22nd, 2011 | 11:55 am
i'm in the car with my brother and my friend and i call nelson, it's his first father's day, and he's on the front porch at my house, i can hear my friends in the background, and he's telling me about a radio station he's really into, and he wanted to stay long enough to see me but i'm not coming home yet. i get off the phone and i tell my brother and my friend about how nelson gets dressed up sometimes, handsome as all hell, and goes to church to listen to the choirs. and i feel his love from a thousand miles away, i see him packing up with his car with his dog getting himself back to alaska to have a baby with his girl, i can see his hand out the window as he drives off. i feel his love and i sit taller in the front seat.
so i'm down in california, memorizing my grandmother's house, drinking my coffee black like she did, and i've been walking around the neighborhood, like i might not ever see it again. even for a talker like me, there are some things you keep to yourself. i'm 24, putting a bunch of oxygen in my blood, sending all that blood to my organs, moving around, ya know, and i'm not going through anything major, except this life.
so i'm down in california, memorizing my grandmother's house, drinking my coffee black like she did, and i've been walking around the neighborhood, like i might not ever see it again. even for a talker like me, there are some things you keep to yourself. i'm 24, putting a bunch of oxygen in my blood, sending all that blood to my organs, moving around, ya know, and i'm not going through anything major, except this life.
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June 22nd, 2011 | 11:42 am
you hear old love songs you used to feeeeeel, like when he sings "i've been loving you too long to stop now" and you switch the station and make your mind think about a little knot getting untied, or a little blood mixing with so much water that it looks clear again, and you just keep on driving, man.
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June 1st, 2011 | 11:18 am
rich like when you call out in a canyon
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May 26th, 2011 | 01:30 pm
even when you blackout out of anger or joy or fear or 2 many drinks, you gotta trust that you're solid as the ground. and despite what you've been told, the ground is where it's at. i wrote a soul song, y'all, and i can't wait to sing it to you.
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May 23rd, 2011 | 09:51 pm
eureka, cowabunga, cockadoodle doo
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May 23rd, 2011 | 11:08 am
i had a dream i was back at my old house except it was much bigger and in the woods, or the kinda-woods, the way a summer camp is. we all had dogs, i couldn't believe i forgot my dog's name because i loved him so much and it made me upset. everybody was there, my parents were there, a bunch of my cousins when they were little and when they were older, all my friends, and it was time to jump in the pool. it took forever to get back to the surface, i love the way back up. later i was talking to my twin, we were looking in the mirror, she had my hair and my face and my body. remember when we learned how to swim? flips and pencil jumps and tea parties at the bottom. we gotta swim laps now, we gotta go get my dog back.
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May 22nd, 2011 | 06:21 pm
i've only been on a handful of first dates- camping trips, planetariums, aquariums, all night drives, big summer parties- but they've all been good ones. way different, but sorta the same too. then the next dates come- breaking in, sneaking out, getting caught, getting lost, movies, dinners, ditching school or work, or both. you gotta hear this song, you gotta hear this song at the beach. don't you dare laugh at me! come here. you meet their friends, tell them secrets, show them places. it gets dark, then it gets light, then it gets dark again. god, it's so fun in the beginning. let me have it, baby, just one more time.
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May 11th, 2011 | 01:15 pm
keeley's baby is 7cm long this week, three times as big as when she got here. i find her in different parts of the house, her blond hair falling around her face, getting caught by the sun, whatever. she and nelson are always singing, i hear dhani wooping downstairs because the record's gonna be so good. dhani got a puppy down in mexico and he loves that thing, talks to her all the time, teaches her how to be a good dog. i reminded him that tonight's their last night in town and he made some joke that put me in a good mood. once my dad told me, "kate, you're always so excited for the next thing" and hell yeah, i am. i failed at something big, but so what. yesterday i taught the kids about vincent van gogh. everybody screamed when i told them he cut his own ear off. we made different shades of yellow and blue, then we painted starry nights, sunflowers, water, circles and lines.
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April 13th, 2011 | 02:05 pm
listing to songs about sex, really feelin' that shit, i think about how much i truly enjoy it. i remember a boy telling me once "only crazy women like sex" and i feel suddenly sick remembering the tiny ways i used to allow myself to get put down. so subtle you almost couldn't catch it.
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April 10th, 2011 | 11:00 pm
i've been in a sad mood all weekend. i tried calling my brothers and my different friends, even old friends, and none of them noticed. not that i wanted them to, or that it was some kind of test or something like that, just sometimes it's nice to be felt without asking. can i feel you without asking? i don't get sad very often, i don't like it. even when i have it really rough, i do everything there is to dismiss it, work hard to be reasonable and resilient. so tonight i was truly disappointed when i thought, How many times can i run toward something just to have it turn it's back on me? and was equally and truly proud when i yelled back, How high can you count!
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HEAVEN YES HELL NO
March 24th, 2011 | 12:09 pm
i had one of those dreams again, like the water dream three years ago, but this one was about sound and ended the same good good way. i think about alyssa's crocodile dream all the time. i think she has something. a few weeks ago when bill was here and we were going crazy in the kitchen, everybody going crazy kissing plants, she said there's science and then there's something else. sometimes i feel like my eyes actually twinkle, you could find me in the dark. i saw some images that the hubble telescope took. stars being born in the orion nebula, galaxies pulling together and pulling apart, light still shining from far back beyond all conceivable time, space wind- when it goes that fast there has to be another name for it. anyway, i cry because i'm so fucking stoked. things go on indifferently. you can laugh with your friends, love a man deeply, work hard, kiss plants and feel everything. blink, and it's over for you. it was either good or it wasn't. i know i always say the things.
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March 16th, 2011 | 06:55 pm
"i'll be waiting for you right there baby, i'll be waiting there to___ like crazy"
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February 21st, 2011 | 09:55 am
whatever weird thing somebody else is doing, or hell, maybe it's real tight, i don't know, whatever it is, i'm sure they're having fun. i'm sure they feel really good when they go home and go to bed, just had a great, fun night with a bunch people that they like. what i mean to say really is that i feel true joy when i see my friends. standing in a doorway, taking off their coats, partying, not partying, i truly feel it. i was having a lot of great, fun nights- kissing boyfriends, making people laugh, feeling well-liked, ya know. and it was tight, it really was, i just don't ever want to go back.
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February 17th, 2011 | 11:56 pm
we call mike grandma. i love when i hear someone call him that, i always laugh. i'm so happy he's back in the house. tonight it smelled like skunk in the hallway and it made me think of my real grandma. she liked the smell, we had that in common. two nights ago i dreamed about her house. i've been having wild dreams, good ass sleep.
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February 13th, 2011 | 12:48 pm
how tight is it to be for something? my cousin telling me all about the earth's vibrations and i'm eating it up, getting groovy in the mirror, ready to go out and see my friends. drink this, have this, taste this thing. alyssa talking about what it feels like to gallop on the back of a horse and later i get pumped, thinking about what it would feel like to gallop back to something, or toward something, on a horse, in my car, in a dream that makes sense right when you wake up. i'm too romantic, i think. i find romance in everything. i love when a man finishes the food off my plate.
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February 8th, 2011 | 09:56 am
we're all gonna be old and dead soon, you gotta go get it and you gotta give it up too.
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February 2nd, 2011 | 10:30 am
i was talking to a stranger when i said "there has only been one man that i ever felt in my blood" and i said it without thinking. he called me the next night and i told him "i'm gonna sing my very best for you" and he said "yeah, that's what we need."
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January 26th, 2011 | 11:08 am
the words to bird's song are "that fog lifting is like taking the shirt off the whole block." when she told me i turned around and my eyes filled up.
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January 24th, 2011 | 11:39 am
the fog this morning reminded me of the time bill and i drove all night to san fransisco to see our friends. i was sleeping but he told me later that he couldn't see past the headlights and i got mad at him that he didn't pull over. i wasn't really mad. it reminded me the time we all went to the movies and three carloads of us headed home in fog so thick that i really did feel like i was driving in the deep sea or something. i don't remember who but somebody in the backseat put their hand on my shoulder and said, "i know we're going to make it." it reminded me of countless beach trips we took real late or real early. the weekends were ours, searching for change to feed the meters. once i walked to school and i could hear people on the street walking around me but i couldn't see them, it was scary and cool. anyway, it reminds me of home. i drove to work remembering being 18 and invincible and in love. it's funny because today i got to listen to a song birdie recorded in my room a few weeks ago called "fog." i can't make out a word she's saying, but i like it a lot.
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January 21st, 2011 | 07:43 pm
text me a picture of bill sleeping in the van and just like that- i'm having a good one.
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January 11th, 2011 | 03:00 pm
when you sleep for a week you have all sorts of dreams, and when you wake up you pray for snow and accidentally tear down the curtain and you can't laugh because you'll cough, but there you go laughing. you noticed the house shakes when someone comes in or out. what are we going to grow in the front yard this year?
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January 5th, 2011 | 01:24 pm
i don't want to see a picture of your leg, i want to see your leg.
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December 28th, 2010 | 05:56 pm
come on, swallow it down, girl, and get back on your grind. smash it up, kill that shit. go get your boy and make him feel it. nobody has to be in love with you, but some people are and there's nothing better to do than take care of them. know yourself, tell the truth, and take care of them real good.
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December 17th, 2010 | 12:14 pm
everyday alyssa and me are laying in some weird place talking about loving bill, loving bill's songs and what they do to us, and what do they do to other people? anything? we ask each other if we're beautiful girls, not for vanity but because we truly don't know and can't tell. we talk about our friends in reverent intimate detail, building them taller and taller and it's all true. we talk with our hands constantly clutching at our hearts, pulling them out and holding them there. we talk about giving our lives to someone for a time and really giving it to them. if there's anything that i'm learning, it's that my love is boundless, and it's the best thing about me.
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December 11th, 2010 | 09:24 am
mike got us a big thing of pumpkin spice creamer and georgia is biting at my foot. i think about my friends all spread out, everyone is moving around out there. i think about nelson standing in the kitchen, a hundred feet tall, saying in sign language over and over, BRAVE.
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December 7th, 2010 | 11:57 am
my friends were home
*all photos by maya boboia unless she was mackin'
*all kisses not shown
*all photos by maya boboia unless she was mackin'
*all kisses not shown
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December 1st, 2010 | 11:17 am
competing with invisible people, making an endless To Mack list, blowing out the speakers in my car, screaming "if you want it you can get it for the rest of your life," sentimental over weird stuff and anticipating my ass off
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November 27th, 2010 | 11:45 pm
sometimes i think i just can't bear it. until i remember what i'm bearing is good, and not cripplingly indifferently bad, and then i just expand.
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November 27th, 2010 | 11:36 pm
"do you really love me, or are you just saying that"
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November 16th, 2010 | 10:26 am
LET ME TAKE YOUR PORTRAIT IN MY BED
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November 15th, 2010 | 10:42 am
we're sleepers, sleepers, sleepers and it feels good to be a sleeper. but when you look at your friends and you say "you know what i mean" and man, they do, or when somebody says "i'd be totally fucked without you" or "this is ours" or "yes" or when they want to sit by you or want to squeeze your hand when you're all praying over the food, you just never ever sleep that shit off.
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November 8th, 2010 | 07:47 pm
i thought about an old boyfriend a lot today. i don't know why. i thought about the time he got home from a trip and i came over to see him. his house was full of people but he just came over and took my hand and pulled me into his room and turned up gloria by van morrison as loud as it would go. i can't hear that song without remembering how fun that night was. or how fun it always was-- trying and failing to be quiet because he made me laugh so loud, or made me knock something over, or had me declaring something wildly because it felt good to be wild. one time in particular was the night he decided to teach me all the scientific names for all the body parts. he would say them and i would repeat them and we drank all night that way, getting tangled up and doing accents and getting lost from it and coming back again. there was a sweetness there. he never asked me to be his girlfriend, he just bought me a hair brush and put in it in his room, told me it was mine. it was yellow. on the way home from work i remembered it's his birthday today.
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November 1st, 2010 | 06:38 pm
"we often mistake forgiveness as a freedom from consequence" -my dad said that
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October 27th, 2010 | 01:38 pm
♪i don't know what the oregon state flag looks like, and i live here, what's the deal♫
♫we pretend to be each other's mommies and daddies because our mommies and daddies are far away- take off those sandals and put on boots, don't boss me around, but okay♪
♪i don't buy that shit, because i'm super smart, and i'm really sorry that that dude sucks♫
♫i am so happy because i got kissed bah bah bah on the top of the head and on my hand♪
-cool songs i made up this week
♫we pretend to be each other's mommies and daddies because our mommies and daddies are far away- take off those sandals and put on boots, don't boss me around, but okay♪
♪i don't buy that shit, because i'm super smart, and i'm really sorry that that dude sucks♫
♫i am so happy because i got kissed bah bah bah on the top of the head and on my hand♪
-cool songs i made up this week
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October 14th, 2010 | 10:01 am
what do i want more than you? me.
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October 11th, 2010 | 10:37 am
"I know it. I think that's why I picked him when he was a colt. Do you know I paid two dollars for him thirty-three years ago? Everything was wrong with him, hoofs like flapjacks, a hock so thick and short and straight there seems no joint at all. He's hammerheaded and swaybacked. He has a pinched chest and a big behind. He has an iron mouth and he still fights the crupper. With a saddle he feels as through you were riding a sled over a gravel pit. He can't trot and he stumbles over his feet when he walks. I have never in thirty-three years found one good thing about him. He even has an ugly disposition. He is selfish and quarrelsome and mean and disobedient. To this day I don't dare walk behind him because he will surely take a kick at me. When I feed him mash he tries to bite my hand. And I love him."
-Steinbeck, through Samuel Hamilton on his horse Doxology in East of Eden
-Steinbeck, through Samuel Hamilton on his horse Doxology in East of Eden
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October 7th, 2010 | 07:09 pm
"yeah so, sevenths are your friend, kick that dude's ass, love you, you're great. bye." -good call tonight
